Thursday, September 1, 2011

Like I'm Walking Around Dragging my Arms on the Ground

Sounds like a country song, huh?! ;)  Well, here's a little disclaimer...this is not going to be the most uplifting post I've ever written.  If you want me to remain an eternal optimist in your mind, please stop reading and come back for the next post {I promise it will be more upbeat!}.  However, if you're ok with me being real, read on, friend...

You remember seeing this picture in your High School science class?
Don't get all weirded out on me...I'm totally not an evolutionist.  Creation all the way, baby!

However, you see that chimp on the far left?  The one who's arms drag the ground {please don't get all technical on me...I'm fully aware that he uses his hands to maintain his balance and that this gait is necessary for him to be able to walk}.  Well, envision that as an emotional state.  Think about that as the person who is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Today, this is where I'm living in regards to the emotions I'm feeling about our adoption. 

Now, don't get me wrong...tomorrow I could feel like the next creature, standing a little taller, or even like the gentleman on the far right, optimistic and walking tall.  But recently, more days than not, I feel like the ape.

Honestly, I never would have guessed 10 weeks ago that there was not going to be ANY referrals from our agency for such a long period of time.  While my head understands that there are legitimate reasons for the delay {a full change in our in-country staff, a new orphanage to train, a government that is requiring mounds of paperwork in a country that doesn't have technology at it's fingertips, a large group of people who are in the last stage of getting their babies home which requires much attention from the in-country staff, and audits happening in our orphanages}, my heart aches.

It aches for the fact that we are likely number 10 for a single child, and number 7 for siblings {so close!}.
It aches for the fact that our agency has relayed to us that there are babies who are referral-ready, but still waiting for translation of paperwork.
It aches for all the families in our same situation who have not moved up any slots in 10 weeks.
But, mostly it aches for our child who has very likely been sitting in an orphanage for MONTHS waiting to see our faces like we have been waiting to see his or hers.  For the time we are missing out on his or her life.  For the fact that he or she wakes up every morning in an orphanage when he could be waking up in his home, lavished with hugs and kisses from his parents, brother, and sister.

But, then I just have to give it up.  God's got this.  He's got our baby in His hands.  He is taking care of him or her in such a way that we cannot even imagine.  His timing is perfect, even when it's hard.

So, tonight I'm dragging my arms, but tomorrow I'm trusting that God will stand me upright.


  1. It is so hard. I can totally relate to the ups and downs of the process. Our agency had a long dry spell with no referrals, and it about killed me. I am praying for your family, agency and all those sweet kiddos!

  2. The good news is that when God stands you upright, He doesn't leave you naked like Mr. Homo sapiens...:) Praying for you.

  3. Way to make me cry Jen. Praying for you girl. Glad you are being real and such joy it will be when you get "the" call. Really like the metaphor in the blog.

  4. Righ there with you. Cheering you on the entire way! A change gonna come ... eventually :)

  5. I'm so sorry!! It is SOOOO hard, I know that!! I'm praying that referrals come soon and yours is one of them!!!

  6. I am sorry you are feeling down right now I hope and pray your referral comes soon!


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